supercalafragelisticexbialadocious

laying here

i might be dying

the ripping, tearing, burning through my mind
i'm screaming, i'm dying
i'm silent.

and then,

a thought

this is real
i am strong

i am resilient and perseverant

the pain is scorching
no physical marks, but emotional lascerations

but still, my mind locks on the thought

i have weathered it all

never dulled it down, or shut it out

i open my arms, and welcome it,

because i know it comes, and then it goes
it goes and i am stronger

every scar on my heart makes it harder to pierce

it is part of my life, i can feel it coming

i do not drink myself to sleep
i do not alter my reality with drugs
i do not pretend everything is fine

it is real, and it happens, and i accept it

i am stronger.

i don't have to beat you down to know i am indestructible

because every morning, i wake with a smile

and i have won.

Here's to you, you bus driving bastards.

SO.

in the certain city where i reside, the bus union has decided that it is time for them to strike.

maybe i am biased, but to me this is clearly a very strategic time, and the strategy is aimed right at the hearts of the students.

obviously, students are the main users of the bussing system. we are dirt poor, and unless we live with our parents, we can't usually afford a car, the insurance required to legally drive said car, nor could we (up until recently) afford gas. the obvious choice for the average, non-wealthy, non-parent's house living student is the bus. it goes everywhere, at many times of day, and is about as cheap as it gets.

sure, it smells, people wipe their snot on the seats, and it rarely shows up when the signs say it will, but it becomes a very necessary part of the poor student's life. it is how we are able to spend time with friends, go grocery shopping, get to our menial part time jobs that provide us with enough money to survive, oh and also

WE LIKE TO USE IT TO GET TO OUR BLOODY EXAMS.

yes, ladies and gentlemen, this certain city's transpo has decided to strike right smack in the middle of exam season.

here is what i assume they think (hope) will happen.

bus's go on strike, and students are devastated because now they can't get to their exams. they realize that the city's suggestion of "carpooling" is ludicrous due to the fact that most of us DON'T OWN CARS. they figure we will all be so lost and disoriented that we will all phone the city and say "for the love of all that is holy, just give them what they want so we can ride our beloved bus!!" then they assume that the city will give in, and they will get their ridiculous 10.5% pay raise. then, of course, they are the ones in power, because any time in the future that they want absolutely anything, they can just have a strike right in exam times (preferably in the winter, so that students wouldn't dare try to walk for fear of becoming a human popsicle) and they will get whatever the hell their vacant hearts desire.

and, perhaps there will be students who do just that.

but what these transpo jerks don't realize is that we university students are pretty damn crafty. we're in university for a reason yo! we can find other ways. for some it's harder than others, that's true, and certainly, there will be students who have a really hard time dealing with this strike, and my heart honestly goes out to them, because if it wasn't for my aunt with a spare car, i would be one of them.

despite all that, here is what i really hope happens:

the transpo strike goes the way of the hockey strike.
they go on strike,
a few people are really upset,

but most people don't give a shit.

then, when they realize that the world goes on without them, they can come back to the city with their tails between their legs and sheepishly accept a much lower offer than they were offered yesterday, before they were on strike.

the whole concept of the "strike" has always baffled me, and also pissed me off. let us ponder strikes we have dealt with in the past....

it seems to me that these strikes usually do very little to hurt the people they are pissed off at. the bus drivers are pissed at the city government, so they go on strike. do you think any people working for the city government take the damn bus?? i think not. so they hurt the students, the low income families, the people trying to do their part for the environment. its like the very low scale equivalent to getting in a fight with someone, and holding a gun to someone else's head and saying "i will shoot them if you don't do what i say"

we didn't do anything.

if anything, we should strike against them! they are the ones who are always, ALWAYS late. the ones who drive past us when its 20 below and the bus is half empty. the ones who stop at friggin tim hortons for a coffee when you are just trying to get to work on time!!!

what would they do if we did this to them? a strike that actually affected the guilty party?

i'm a realistic girl, and i'll tell you right now as soon as those bus bastards get their prissy asses back in their bus driver seats, i'll be giving my aunt's car back, and getting back on the stupid bus. why? because i have no choice. i believe i mentionned above that i am dirt poor. what i know, is that we really have to hear the message here, and blame the right people.

they are putting a sour taste in the mouth of everyone who relies on public transit here, and i believe that is the opposite of what we want. we should be encouraging it, not making bus goers desire to scream obscenities at their driver when they get off the bus, instead of "thank you"

what it comes down to is, have your money war, if you think bus driving is that high tech of a job, but leave us little guys out of it...we are not your hostages.

ummmm....merry november?

is anyone else perturbed by the fact that malls are already playing christmas music?

i saw a man in a santa suit today

the grocery store already has their xmas candy hanging around.

IT IS NOVEMBER YOU TOOLS!!

when i was younger, and my dad would scoff people who had their xmas lights on early, i always made fun of him for hating on people for having christmas spirit.

but isn't november the 8th a little early, even for me?

maybe its just because i am forcing myself to not feel xmas-y this year.

maybe i am a scrooge!

damn.

anyways, i am bored outta my friggin skull.

i would kill for some rainbow sorbet.







arg.

Hello world

I haven't blogged in forever.

not that i haven't had anything to aimlessly rant about, i have just lacked computer access.

my apartment is messy, and i have to start making tacos in five minutes.

i just watched a movie about andy warhol and edie sedgwick. it was odd, but kinda good i think.

a job has NOT called me.

sadness.

plus, i am sick. i am always sick, because i am always stressed up to my eyeballs, and my immune system has no time to catch up.

damn sir, this blog sucks.

ttyl

oh boyfriend

please get your butt over here and make me feel better.

:(

you know what really grinds my gears?

all the facebook and myspace girls who put up (usually somewhat unflattering) pictures of themselves, with crudely slapped on fluorescent letters, spelling out lame lyrics that they have chosen that apparently describe

their self;
their situation;
their hate for their ex-boyfriend;
their philosophy on life;
their love of getting tanked and forgetting who or what the did last night.

it started with just a few, until one day when it seemed like everyone was doing it.

am i supposed to be impressed?

this may seem like a lame thing to complain about, but it just seems so loser-esque.

although, i guarantee that there's someone who reads this and goes....

what a loser!

if there are actually any people who read this.

in which case, are they the loser for wasting their time for looking at my blog?
am i the loser for looking at the stupid pictures?

do you ever wish that everything was simple? you look up and the sky is blue, you look down and the grass is green. your face always smiles and you never have to wonder about anything.

because when everything is simple, there is nothing to wonder.

oh me.

i need some snuggles with boyfriend <3

laziness

is today's theme.

nothing to do, nowhere to go. just chillin.

last night i filled out what was my very first ever rental application, and i am getting veryyyyy nervous!!!

i really want the apartment. even though it was smaller than i expected, it just felt like it could be our home. i could see where all the furniture would go, i could see us cuddling on the couch watching movies, sitting at the dinner table after a long day, talking.

i keep trying to rationalize it to myself, thinking "they knew we were students when they told us about it, they have to know that we can't work full time jobs" but i just keep worrying. perfect neighborhood, own back yard, free laundry, clean, brand new appliances, bitchin bathroom and bedroom.

GAH!

boyfriend bought a trans am, and though i am moderately financially opposed, it's a pretty bad ass car.

J's b-day party was actually pretty decent. by the end of the night she was trashed outta her mind, but i enjoyed myself. i had a virgin strawberry daiquiri and it was delish.

i only have 3 weeks left of work, and i am prettttty damn excited to be finished with that. GB just gets worse and worse, and i wanna punch her in her GB-y mouth.

but back to moving, it is what we call "crunch time" whether we get this place or not, we have soooo much to do! of course, there is much more to do if we don't get it, but either way. i have to arrange moving truck and cable and internet and phone, as well as people to help move....

UGHGHGHGHGHG WHEN DOES THE STRUGGLING END?

me thinks never.

but for today, there is laziness.

so bite it, life!

tomorrow..

there is no work.

there will be no giving tours of a house i don't care about.
or pretending to like one or two people i don't.

or counting the seconds until september.

i am hoping to go see the apartment, but so far they have not gotten back to me.... oh well.

over the past few days i have been very pensive. i have been such a way over many things. some things might be your business.

others are not!

hehe.

today i saw a lady talking to her dog. but not just like "come 'ere sparky"

but like "now listen sparky, you have to go in the basket. i know that you hate it, but it's really busy out there, and i don't want you to get hurt, ok? i'm just looking out for you, that's all..."

and i was like

wtf?

and then i felt sad, because anyone who talks to their dog like that, clearly has no actual person to talk to.

on another note, i sometimes wonder how some people are either so incredibly blind, or so totally unwilling to care. whatev.

i would totally kill for a good steak right now. GD!

i would also love some motorcycle time.... and.
nevermind.

i said never mind!

i'm in a weird mood. am i as pathetic as the dog lady?

maybe more? because i am talking to something that is not even alive. i am just arbitrarily yammering on to web space.

bite me.

have you ever

connected with someone you thought you had no connection to, at a totally unexpected time?

its like you talk to them, see a mental photo of their past, and realize all of a sudden that they practically are you, far into your future (you hope for better career options but...)

and then, when you listen to them spill their guts, and you spill yours, you suddenly see everything in a clearer way. everything is much simpler, because they don't contradict you when you say things. they don't tell you to think about it differently, they just say

yes. i know what you mean. i know how you feel. i have felt it.

and all of a sudden, all of the doubting you had in yourself is gone,
all the hours you have spent wondering what to say,
all the wondering about what the unbiased truth was.

and then you are left with

anger.
words.
relief.
pain.

and you know that saying what you feel like saying will mean nothing, because they will be angry, and you will be hurt. she will cry, and so will you.

shocked,
defensive,
never saw it coming

because you were always too afraid.
you always took the easier way.
it was easier to smile while you bit your tongue till it bled.

and now

you are free
and trapped

from the same box you have always occupied.

where do we go from here?

3 weeks down

of this boring job.

the people are much nicer now...so that's ok. GB is still a GB, but whatev. life continues.

i just wish that for the next few weeks, that life would continue a little faster. i am tired of this job, and tired of living in one room...don't get me wrong, i appreciate it, but i need some spaaace!!

after 3 weeks of work, and meeting people every day, and getting asked the same questions like, everyday, i am now going to introduce myself in this fashion everytime i meet someone.

Hello! my name is H and i go to Carleton university, for pychology, and i love it, and i'm in my second year. i do not live in residence, and yes this past winter was ridiculous. i am from brockville and this is my summer job. yes i like brockville, and indeed we have had a whole lotta rain! this house is lovely, and indeed it is hot in here.

nice to meet you, have a lovely day.

holy cow.

last night was pretty damn cute. me and the manfriend rented some movies, and then got some candy. we came home, put on the "life of brian" which was quite hilarious. then, we both fell asleep for like 3 hours. i would wake up every once in a while, and he would still be sleeping very cutely, and i would take a moment to appreciate how adorable he is, and then fall back asleep myself.

it was lovely.

tonight i am going to see mamma mia. it will either be really great, or really terrible. we shall see.

the Love Paradox

Loving someone is a pretty funny thing.

and i don't mean "omg he's so cute, i like totally love him" love.

i mean, "your smile makes a horrible day disappear, your hugs are my cure all medicine, i would die for you, because i would die without you" love.

the funny thing about this kind of love is the fear that comes with it. i don't even mean the fear of betrayal, heartbreak, or infidelity. i mean the fear of

i don't think i could ever smile again, if one day you were gone.

the deeper you love, the deeper you fear. the more someone completes you, the more you realize how incomplete you would be without them.

you hear about horrible things that happen in this world, and it makes you sick to think that something like that could happen to someone you love.

when one feeling intensifies, so does another. it's physics. every action creates an opposite and equal reaction. the more you have, the more you have to lose.

you're happy to have such a wonderful and perfect love, but you fear the possibility of something someday taking it away.

the more you have it, the more you need it, and the more you realize that there's no going back...

ooh boy.

anyone who knows me, knows i have great, fantastic love for my manfriend. he is spectacular. but, every once in a while, i realize a little more just how great he is.

like a tiny moment where i just go "wow... is he real, like, for real?"

it might be something small he does...from a look, to a smile, to a touch, to a few sweet words.

sometimes i hear about the troubles that other people have, and i just feel incredibly lucky. i feel lucky that my man wants to spend a lot of time with me. lucky that he listens, even when i know the topic bores him to death. lucky that even on my grossest, laziest day, he still treats me as though i am as beautiful as any other day.

i feel lucky to have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and a person to laugh with.

i feel lucky to know i can trust him, know i can depend on him anytime, for anything.

i can call him, crying my eyes out, and we can just sit there on the phone, not saying anything at all, and just knowing he is on the other end of the line is comfort.

i always thought that finding "the one" was about compromise.

"i love him for x so i can deal with y"

i never thought that you could find someone and just think, there is literally nothing i would change. are there little things that can make me a little irritated at times? sure. but that is all part of how and why i love him. i think of everything i could ever want in someone, and its there, in him.

it's pretty much kick-ass.

so

how many

months
weeks
days
hours
minutes
seconds

until school starts again?

this job seriously sucks the big one. most people are nicer now, but one girl, who i will only refer to as GB (giant.....) is making me wanna punch her square in the mouth. if she talks down to me one more time.... i swear to god.

on the good side, only one more day of shitty work until two days of lovely off time. especially being that i get to babysit on saturday.

tomorrow, will also be rather lovely.... hehehe

J is supposed to hang out with me tonight, but she has yet to call me, which is moderately irritating.

pffffff. what a lame day.

i would really love a snuggle and a nap with BF. but unfortunately, being that i am supposed to have plans with J, he is staying home.

eff word!

do you ever...

think back to events in your past, and wonder if they ever really happened?

wonder if it is even possible that your life used to be so drastically different from how it is now?

there's no way i would...

say that,
do that,
think that,
go there,
accept that,
feel that way

today.

there's no way i ever took a step, one step, allowing myself to feel insignificant because my own father didn't care.

there's no way i smiled and bit my tongue when what i really meant was "i hate you for not caring"

there's no way that person i would believe the lies that slithered out of their mouths.

what can we do? we are ever changing and ever evolving to learn to deal with what we are dealt, and if we manage things right, we change for the better.

what happens to our pasts when we learn, and grow? even things that seemed good at the time become cringe-inducing, because our present selves would never act in the way our past selves saw fit. we would NEVER wear that sweater, talk to THAT guy, or spend out money on THAT.

sometimes we can look back and laugh. sometimes we look back and cry. sometimes it's easier to not look back at all.

people say you only have one life to live, but that seems unlikely. i look at my life, and even at my young age, i'd say i've already had about 4.

6 year old me was happy and care free. mommy loved daddy, and daddy loved mommy, and everyone was happy and there were no problems other that when i couldn't find the barbie i was looking for.

14 year old me was dark and lonely. i pushed everyone away, because i wanted to push myself away. mommy hated daddy, and daddy hated everything. everything was a problem, and i felt monotonous.

16 year old me was inexplicably complicated. i held the wrong people close, and paid for it later. i hated daddy, and daddy was dead. i tricked myself into believing that i was totally fine, and convinced myself that i didn't need anyone. i pretended to be who i wanted to be, and soon found out i didn't know who i actually was.

19 year old me smiles and cries. i just am, how i am, and that is the long and short of it. i don't act. i don't try. i just do. i love mommy. i deal with memories of daddy. i'm still figuring it all out, but things are falling into place. i am strong and i am proud of what i have struggled to become.

just a thought.

Today, so far..

is not shaping up so lovely.

bored out of my mind, with nowhere to go, because it's pouring rain.

tried to watch a movie this morning, wait...afternoon, and my bleep head brother decided that it was a great time for him to be a dink. he works nights, which was his own damn choice, so he got home at 6am and i put my movie on at like noon. he yells at me to turn it down, so i do. then he starts bitching that i should be watching it on my computer, but he was being so bloody rude that i ignored him.

so he told me to go jump in front of a car and do the world a favour.

so i said

ok, i'll get right on that.

eventually, i put the stupid god damn movie on my computer.

i am beyond tired of spending my entire life tip toeing around various people that i live with. i am tired of wondering if things ever change.



BLEEEP.

Somtimes, everything sucks.

today is basically one of those times.

do you ever have a day, and everything is just blah, but you think, well at least _________ is happening. and then, ___________ doesn't happen, and even though it's not even a big deal, it like, destroys your day.

well, my day was boring and stupid, i went to find more work clothes, and found nothing.

then i had a nap for like two hours, because there was nothing else to do.

then boyfriend calls and says he can't hang out tonight because he's too tired from work.

and then i effin CRIED. cried! can you bloody believe that. over something as insignificant as not seeing him for ONE DAY. I have seen him everyday this week, and i cried over one day.

why? because all week i looked forward to the weekend, and now the weekend is sucking. so the weekend can suck, and then have another week of suck, and this retarded pattern can continue until the end of the BLEEPING summer.

(dear mom, i edit my cursing for you)

and then, while i cry on the bathroom floor, because B is in the room, all i can think is

how pathetic is this?

i can't be alone for one bloody day without losing it? i'm so frickin tired, and tired of being here, and i just really desperately want to find my "niche", if you will.

i want to have a HOME where i can go home every night, and lay on the couch after dinner with BF and go to bed everynight, in my own bed, and know where everything is, and have everything the way that i want, and never have to feel like i am just suspended in nothing.


GAHHAHGHAKLGHDISALFJIEUSIAHFKLDSJAIFDE

the case of the repeat teenage mother...

what is it with 16 year old girls having babies and being so damn proud??

there are COUNTLESS myspace and facebook profiles of girls who are pregnant, and are like, super pumped about it. or at least act that way. they post pictures of their pregnant bellies, and all their friends go on and post comments saying

"omg your belly is soooo cuuute!!!"

now, don't get me wrong. i understand that "accidents can happen" and all that jazz, and obviously when a girl becomes pregnant, keeping it or not is her choice. but many, MANY of these girls, who are 16 or 17 are having their SECOND CHILD.

having one teenage pregnancy, though almost always due to poor choices and being ignorant of many years of health class, can be sympathized with. as i said, accidents happen, people make mistakes, and so on.

but the same mistake twice?

what ever happened to learning lessons? once you get accidentally pregnant the first time, wouldn't you from then on try a little harder to be sure you are having safe sex?

did these girls not realize how much work babies are with the FIRST ONE? i'm going to fathom a guess and speculate that these girls' parents are being
a) a little too lenient
b) a little too helpful

if your kid has a baby, and you pay for everything, and help take care of it all the time, and not make your child take any of the responsibility, then what are they going to learn?

they will learn that having a baby is not that big of a deal, and doing it again before the age of twenty will be no sweat. if that 16 year old can have the fun of a baby, the joy of having her friends fawn all over the various facebook photos of the kids latest tooth, AND still go out and party while mom watches little baby when ever they want, then clearly having another one isn't going to psyche them out.

clearly they aren't going to worry about protecting themselves better in future sexual exploits. when a teenager gets pregnant and decides to keep it, they are choosing the biggest responsibility of a lifetime. am i saying that the parent should abandon their teen and say

"good luck honey, hopefully you and your offspring won't die on the street."

no

but i do suspect that parents have a tendency to help a little too much because they desperately desire to have their daughter stay in school. they know, that if she doesn't finish high school at least, she has no future, or at least a dismal one.

but isn't it a problem when a 17 year old, who is almost an adult, can't see that? if they are adult enough to carry a child, give birth to that child, and then raise that child, they are adult enough to make other adult decisions.

isn't it a problem, when a parent tries harder to make their grown child's future than the child them self?

if you're adult enough to raise a baby, aren't you adult enough to say

"ok, we're using a condom this time"

jeeeze.

well...

i did not win a million dollars off my kitkat wrapper, which was disappointing. but, as they say...life goes on.

i finally have a day off, and it is feeling quite lovely. i have to go out shopping today, because i need more work clothes...but i'm not getting outta bed until i am good and ready!

i went out to a bar last night...for the first time ever really...it was cool. my friend's husband's band was playing, and they were great! he's actually a really talented singer, and i was quite impressed! the BF, my friend, and i sat at a table and yelled to each other for a couple of hours while they drank beers and i drank coke.

lol...oh me.

at first, when i got my first drink, i started drinking it and it tasted weird. i was like

"i think there might be alcohol in this?!" and BF said he was sure there wasn't because it would have cost more if it did. then i realized...i'm so damn used to drinking diet coke, that regular coke now tastes weird to me. whatev, i'm a loser and i know it.

the funny thing about this bar, is that me and my posse were younger by just about everyone in there by about 10 years....at very least.

one can see many funny types when sitting in such a bar... like some lady who was wearing a cowboy hat, and this button up shirt that was too short, and she did not have a stomach to show off. or later, some bleach blond who came in, sporting a tiny pink dress, and stiletto heels.

i think i'm too old for my age. i can't imagine being mid-thirties or forties going out dressed like the women in this bar were. hell, i don't even dress like them now, despite the fact that my actual age permits me to.

however, i'm sure that they all looked at me like i was a freak, being that i was dressed far too metal for this bar. but whatev...when i look good, i look good, and i did in fact look good. it just kind of made me laugh that the 19 year old is all covered up, and the 40 year olds are hanging it all out.

weird?

anyways, i am starving. i better get something at least moderately healthy, because i have been slacking. i get home from work so bloody hungry, that i grab the first fast food that i pass. my body, not appreciating it so much.

blah...

almost there....

only one more day of boring work, and then i have TWO GLORIOUS DAYS OFF.

i'm prolly gonna sleep like, the whole time.

but then i can tick off one week out of seven until this stupid job is done.

i'm gonna go enter the number i got on my kit kat wrapper and see if i won a million dollars. if so, i will be quitting tomorrow.

wish me luck.

ooh man.

well,

i have done very little blogging lately, due to my working all the time, and then being tired when i am not working, or being otherwise occupiedddd..

so i have some chocolate cake here from boyfriend's family partay, and it is lovely.

work is getting slightly less lame. but only slightly.

apparently boyfriend's dad loved his b day present. which makes me happy. i like him very much.

next weekend i get the great joy (literally, no sarcasm here folks) of babysitting my friend's baby. and i love him, ever so much. i look forward to it greatly!!!

what i look forward to even more is finally finding an apartment and having a hommmmmeeeeeee.... i'm tired of feeling like a nomad. i just wanna come home and jump into my own bed, and know where everything is, and feel like i belong there.

ugh.

BF is coming over in a few mins. and i am sweaty and gross, so...shower time!

I'm tired....

and i just really, reallllly wanna sleep in in the morning.

i know, i'm a whiner. get over it.
that was mean. i'm tired.

i just want to sleep, and not have to deal with moody, bitchy women any more.

i don't know what is worse...incredibly annoying, or incredibly cold mannered.

blah.

how many weeks till summer's over??

A walk...

So today, I decided to go for a walk about town.
Just for kicks.

As I was walking past the park, some weirdo looked at me with a look that said
"Who do YOU think you are? I am so much hotter than you!"

The funny thing was, that she definitely, certainly, was not. Now, don't get me wrong, I am by no means arrogant. I do feel rather good about my appearance today, but I certainly don't fancy myself a super model. This girl was short, wore about 3 pounds too much makeup, and was much too fluffy for the fashion top she had on.

She smirked at me as if she knew something awful about me, but I'm pretty sure that there is nothing too awful to know. She whispered something to her friend as I walked by, and then they seemed to share some kind of "laugh" together.

Good for them.

Soon after that, I was passing my old house, and it was an unpleasant feeling. There was a boy playing in the yard, and I couldn't help but remember my little sister doing the same thing. That house is probably the one I have been most emotionally attached to. A lot of things happened there. Alot of crying, a lot of laughing, a lot of getting through the hardest part of my life.

I have so many memories there... with my family, with the BF, with myself. There were firsts, lasts, and more than one revelation. Seeing someone else's minivan in the drive way makes me want to burst in through the front door and say

"Do you even know what has happened here?"

Obviously, they could not care less. They would look at me like a wild woman, and they would be right if I were to do that.

More pain, and more love was experienced in that house than any other in my life. I changed, I grew, I grew to love my family more deeply. I found the love of my life, and many, many fond memories we have are in that house.

It almost feels like something I own is stuck in that house, and I don't want them to have it. I want to take it with me, but it's embedded in the walls, in the floors, the ceilings, the trees outside...beside the furnace.

I know that I have the memories, and they are terrible and wonderful, and I will keep them always. Somehow though, I wish I could steal the house away, and keep it for myself, whenever I wanted it.

Made me laugh...

"Keep the kiddies away from the cage of:

the man who steals cheap used books for no reason!"

-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

A solution...

So, whilst sitting in the downstairs lounge, waiting for my chicken to cook, listening to AC/DC live and reading my more recent copy of Psychology Today, I came up with a conclusion to the B problem.

He has clearly demonstrated that

a) he doesn't give a damn about me
b) he is irresponsible
c) he is completely untrustworthy

So, instead of being hostile, and not speaking to him, I will treat him like he is all of the above things...because he is.

He wants a favour? Absolutely not
He wants to borrow ANYTHING? no chance in hell
He wants to complain about stupid things? NOT LISTENING!

From now on, he's getting the same amount of extra consideration he gives me...none.

-------------------------------

on a second note, here's an interesting question I read in my magazine...

"Do we invent our authentic self, or do we discover it?"

there was also an interesting quote, that said we all define ourselves as either introverted or extroverted, but we are all both, depending on context.


think about it...

"The too-nice guy"

I find this concept idiotic.

I was watching TV (yes, again) and on some dating show the matchmaker was constantly telling the guy that he was too nice.

What does "too nice" even mean? Don't (or at least shouldn't) we all strive to be nice, caring, warm, and loving people? Is it possible to be too nice?

Firstly, let me clearly state that in my opinion, there is a vast difference between "nice" and "door mat". Rushing to your girlfriend's house to bring her some soup because she is sick is nice. Rushing to her house to bring her the dry cleaning she told you to pick up before 5 pm so she could wear her fancy new dress out to the party (that you are not invited to) at her ex boyfriend's house, is being a door mat. Scenario number two is not an example of the boyfriend being too nice, it is an example of him being naive, and a little pathetic.

So, making this distinction, how can one define "Too nice"? Let's explore some options...

-Too willing to help a friend in a time of need?
-Too willing to invite the new girl in the office to join her group for lunch?
-Too willing to adopt a rescued puppy?
-Too willing to help an old lady carry her groceries to the car?

Maybe I'm blinded by the fact that I am so fond of nice people, but the whole concept seems preposterous. Perhaps we should explore some options of what people may interpret as too nice, but is actually something else entirely...

-Smiling way too much...creepy
-Laughing way too often...nervous
-Gives way too many gifts...insecure
-Offers to help you remodel your entire home for free...has too much time

Nope, really can't think of anything that is "too nice"
If you can, feel free to comment...

But why, oh why, do women "apparently" wish for a guy who is less nice? This concept baffles me. Oh, yes, there is the ever elusive "bad boy" who drives a motorcycle, smokes, drinks, treats you like a bag of garbage but his looks make you swoon. When I think of the amount of women in the world who actually look for this guy, it shocks me.

Why doesn't everyone want the nice guy? The guy who brings you flowers when your sad, or lets you cry on the phone for half an hour, just because you lost your ipod, and your brother is a jerk. The guy who makes you smile when he smiles, and cries with you because she shares your pain. This is the guy that I have, but for the record, he also drives a motorcycle, and is totally gor-ge-ous....

so ha.

Oh, ipod....

After searching my apartment top to bottom, twice.
After emptying my purse, completely, at least five times.

read that last line again.
and again.
and take one bloody guess where i found it...

IN MY DAMN PURSE!!!!

part of me thinks that B is screwing with my head, getting some kind of sick enjoyment out of watching me drive myself nuts.

or, perhaps, my ipod is trying to make me appreciate it more. absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

either way, the ipod is back, and i can now go for walks with joy, instead of lonliness.

on a second note, i effin love my BF!!!!
he has this crazy and wonderful way of always making me feel better. one minute i'm crying, and the next, i'm laughing my ass off at something silly he just said or did. and, he always, ALWAYS reminds me that he's with me till the end, by my side, to hold my hand when i'm scared, wipe my tears when i cry, and share my laughter when i'm happy. if everyone in the world could have the love that i have, i'm pretty sure the world would be a much better place

:)

g'night!

the trouble with struggling

still have not found beloved ipod. my heart aches.

bought the necklace. tis lovely.

still not talking with B. I am beginning to wonder how long it is going to be. I am NOT going to be the first one to talk. He decided to be a dink and ruin things, so now isn't it up to him to try to make ammends? He hasn't even really apologized for robbing me. Isn't robbing something one is meant to apologize for?

For the past year, through all his struggles, I have been the one defending him, listening, caring, convincing mother to let him come back home. He was my best friend, and things just kept falling apart more and more. And then, he decided to make one last show to say "Hey, guess what, I know you've always been there for me, but I don't actually give a shit about you after all."

How am I supposed to take that?

pffffff

This is day two of not talking to B, and day two of not having

IPOD!!!!!

tis making me miserable. My suspicions of B selling it are ever increasing. Damn. At least today I get to see BF. And get outta this place for a few hours.

Do you ever find yourself completely taken by something... an object that has no meaning to you, but just captures your attention to the point where you feel like you need it? I felt that way when i bought my neon pink pashmina scarf. The colour and texture of it were so perfect that something in me told me it was to be mine, and that was that.

Now, at the mall, there is a craft sale, and in said sale, there is a necklace. it is a huge glass heart and i don't even know what i would wear it with, but every time i go to the mall i stop to look at it. only prob is that i am cheap, and i don't wanna spend the money on something that i can't think of what i would wear it with.

blah.

damn being poor. damn it!

Everytime I go to McDonald's...

I end up asking myself,

why?

cheap, yes....but also horrible.

A garbage day....

I feel like I'm posting on here too much, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm new to the whole blog thing, and I am rather unaware of typical protocol.

Today was a horrible day.

-B robbed me of twenty bucks/caused me to lose all trust I had remaining in him
-lost my ipod/possibly B pawned it?
-rented movies that blow
-got take out Swiss Chalet that was much below par
-got whistled at by some homely 12 year old boy
-was made to eat dill pickle popcorn
-Spent Canada day almost exclusively alone
-did not get to see the BF
-did I mention that I LOST MY FREAKIN IPOD?????

boo.

I am lost without.

plus, I miss the fam, like berserk.

on the good side, the BF left his CD's here and now I am enjoying them, whilst I whine to possibly no one!

how long till summer's over again??

(P.S. if you read my post below about comfort in nature, just know...that it doesn't work when the ipod is lost.)

The Bachelor

Since currently my life consists mostly of sleeping and watching TV, I have taken in my share (or perhaps more than my fair share of) TV re-runs.

Also since the TV seems to lack a remote control, I usually don't bother with changing the channel. When I am in such a situation, I try to pick a channel that usually has shows that I like. Being that my TV heart pretty much lives for "Sex and the City", I decided upon the Cosmo channel.

Along with the fabulous re-runs of "Sex", and other things such as "Friends", "Charmed", and various others, this channel also runs "The Bachelor".

Now, we have all heard of this program. One rich, supposedly attractive man watches as a slowly decreasing number of ditzy women fight over his heart (money). This would all be fine and dandy if the lucky guy wasn't apparently looking for a wife.

A wife! A life-long love to share his hopes and dreams with, have children with, so on, so forth. "Where is the problem?" many would say! Well, let us see...

15 women who have been pre-selected based on their attractiveness agree to go on a television show where they will spend a set amount of time living together, all the while fighting each other incessantly hoping to win the heart of a man they all literally just met.

Sure, for the women, it's really no loss, no matter what happens. They have a shot at a rich guy, and even if not, they still get to basically spend vacation in some fabulous house, drink wine, play in a hot tub, etc. If this is your thing, (superficial relationships and drunken partying with women you just met) then why the hell not, right?

But what about this (poor?) sucker of a guy? Is he completely ignorant of the fact that all these women came here to meet some rich guy? None of them knew who he was ahead of time. They all claim that they came on the show to hopefully meet their future husband, but how did they figure that one?

"Hey, there's this TV show with a rich guy on it, he's probably the one for me, I bet!"

Unless he is completely stupid, he knows very well that they are all gold diggers, whether or not they all claim to have a "deep connection" with him. So what is he really looking for? If he truly is looking for a wife, like he claims, then I pity him deeply. He's young, not horrible looking, and seems like an OK guy, so why does he need to have a big (elaborate?) TV show to help him get women to date him? Also, not only is he so desperate to find his soul mate that he resorts to a cheesy TV show, but he is willing to overlook the fact that everything, from the women's feelings to their breasts, is falsified.

On the other hand, maybe he really isn't looking for "the one". Maybe, like most guys, he gets great enjoyment out of watching a bunch of pretty women struggle desperately for his attention. Maybe, like a lot of guys, he likes the fact that he can make out with a different woman everyday, and none of them will get mad and key his car, Carrie Underwood style.

Maybe, after all, he is looking for a wife, but not the kind you lay in bed with all day, just to talk and eat pizza, but the kind he can hang on his arm at company benefits, who can shut her mouth and look hot on demand.

People argue against gays and lesbians getting married because they long to protect the sanctity of marriage, but don't they realize that it's the straight people ruining it? I'm not gay, but I do believe that marriage should be for love, whether it's between opposite sexes, or the same. Brittney Spears can get married for 48 hours and no church going folk protest outside her house. Aren't things like that, and things like

"The Bachelor"

the ones really destroying the sanctity of marriage, after all?

Nature

Within the past year, I have found a significant amount of comfort in nature. I find it in trees, rivers, cloud formations, flowers, anything.

Something about it relieves me of the pressure of everyday life. I look at a beautiful flower and think "It doesn't matter if _____ doesn't work out like I plan, the world will go on." Something about feeling slightly insignificant makes me feel more relaxed.

I can sit back and realize that sometimes, people fail at things. People fail tests, forget to take out the garbage, lose their keys, get in stupid fights with friends or family, but the sun still comes up. The trees still grow. The river still flows. The rain still falls.

People today tend to be so egocentric that they feel like every success they have revolutionizes the world around them, and every failure causes it to crash down catastrophically. Some people are happy to think that the world completely revolves around them, but that's not me.

I'm happy to know that no matter what happens today, there is tomorrow, and it is new. The whole world is not crying because I didn't study enough for my midterm. Realizing that my problems are only a big deal because of how I am looking at them shows me that the test I failed is not the end of my education, it's a lesson to study harder next time.

Perhaps you might think on this concept?

Since the boredom continues...

Here is another post.

The place where I live is a disaster, and one would think that with so much needing to be done, I would be able to find something to do. Unfortunately, I have never found boredom to be cured by doing such arbitrary things as "chores". In fact, I might fathom that doing chores would make me more bored than I currently am sitting around doing nothing.

I look forward tonight to having something interesting for dinner, because I am more than a little tired of the Chinese food that has been lingering in the frigde for days now.

My head aches for what I believe is the third day in a row, and I'm 99% sure that my brother stole one of my favourite CD's. Pffffff.

I need a life.

Well... I have a life, it just isn't especially interesting at the moment. Sometimes my life is spectacular. Sometimes it is depressing. Sometimes it is both. This week it is both.

So?

So I decided to make a blog.
I was bored, so here it is.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with it yet, but I suppose that we shall see.

[H]