ooh boy.

anyone who knows me, knows i have great, fantastic love for my manfriend. he is spectacular. but, every once in a while, i realize a little more just how great he is.

like a tiny moment where i just go "wow... is he real, like, for real?"

it might be something small he does...from a look, to a smile, to a touch, to a few sweet words.

sometimes i hear about the troubles that other people have, and i just feel incredibly lucky. i feel lucky that my man wants to spend a lot of time with me. lucky that he listens, even when i know the topic bores him to death. lucky that even on my grossest, laziest day, he still treats me as though i am as beautiful as any other day.

i feel lucky to have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and a person to laugh with.

i feel lucky to know i can trust him, know i can depend on him anytime, for anything.

i can call him, crying my eyes out, and we can just sit there on the phone, not saying anything at all, and just knowing he is on the other end of the line is comfort.

i always thought that finding "the one" was about compromise.

"i love him for x so i can deal with y"

i never thought that you could find someone and just think, there is literally nothing i would change. are there little things that can make me a little irritated at times? sure. but that is all part of how and why i love him. i think of everything i could ever want in someone, and its there, in him.

it's pretty much kick-ass.

so

how many

months
weeks
days
hours
minutes
seconds

until school starts again?

this job seriously sucks the big one. most people are nicer now, but one girl, who i will only refer to as GB (giant.....) is making me wanna punch her square in the mouth. if she talks down to me one more time.... i swear to god.

on the good side, only one more day of shitty work until two days of lovely off time. especially being that i get to babysit on saturday.

tomorrow, will also be rather lovely.... hehehe

J is supposed to hang out with me tonight, but she has yet to call me, which is moderately irritating.

pffffff. what a lame day.

i would really love a snuggle and a nap with BF. but unfortunately, being that i am supposed to have plans with J, he is staying home.

eff word!

do you ever...

think back to events in your past, and wonder if they ever really happened?

wonder if it is even possible that your life used to be so drastically different from how it is now?

there's no way i would...

say that,
do that,
think that,
go there,
accept that,
feel that way

today.

there's no way i ever took a step, one step, allowing myself to feel insignificant because my own father didn't care.

there's no way i smiled and bit my tongue when what i really meant was "i hate you for not caring"

there's no way that person i would believe the lies that slithered out of their mouths.

what can we do? we are ever changing and ever evolving to learn to deal with what we are dealt, and if we manage things right, we change for the better.

what happens to our pasts when we learn, and grow? even things that seemed good at the time become cringe-inducing, because our present selves would never act in the way our past selves saw fit. we would NEVER wear that sweater, talk to THAT guy, or spend out money on THAT.

sometimes we can look back and laugh. sometimes we look back and cry. sometimes it's easier to not look back at all.

people say you only have one life to live, but that seems unlikely. i look at my life, and even at my young age, i'd say i've already had about 4.

6 year old me was happy and care free. mommy loved daddy, and daddy loved mommy, and everyone was happy and there were no problems other that when i couldn't find the barbie i was looking for.

14 year old me was dark and lonely. i pushed everyone away, because i wanted to push myself away. mommy hated daddy, and daddy hated everything. everything was a problem, and i felt monotonous.

16 year old me was inexplicably complicated. i held the wrong people close, and paid for it later. i hated daddy, and daddy was dead. i tricked myself into believing that i was totally fine, and convinced myself that i didn't need anyone. i pretended to be who i wanted to be, and soon found out i didn't know who i actually was.

19 year old me smiles and cries. i just am, how i am, and that is the long and short of it. i don't act. i don't try. i just do. i love mommy. i deal with memories of daddy. i'm still figuring it all out, but things are falling into place. i am strong and i am proud of what i have struggled to become.

just a thought.

Today, so far..

is not shaping up so lovely.

bored out of my mind, with nowhere to go, because it's pouring rain.

tried to watch a movie this morning, wait...afternoon, and my bleep head brother decided that it was a great time for him to be a dink. he works nights, which was his own damn choice, so he got home at 6am and i put my movie on at like noon. he yells at me to turn it down, so i do. then he starts bitching that i should be watching it on my computer, but he was being so bloody rude that i ignored him.

so he told me to go jump in front of a car and do the world a favour.

so i said

ok, i'll get right on that.

eventually, i put the stupid god damn movie on my computer.

i am beyond tired of spending my entire life tip toeing around various people that i live with. i am tired of wondering if things ever change.



BLEEEP.