A walk...

So today, I decided to go for a walk about town.
Just for kicks.

As I was walking past the park, some weirdo looked at me with a look that said
"Who do YOU think you are? I am so much hotter than you!"

The funny thing was, that she definitely, certainly, was not. Now, don't get me wrong, I am by no means arrogant. I do feel rather good about my appearance today, but I certainly don't fancy myself a super model. This girl was short, wore about 3 pounds too much makeup, and was much too fluffy for the fashion top she had on.

She smirked at me as if she knew something awful about me, but I'm pretty sure that there is nothing too awful to know. She whispered something to her friend as I walked by, and then they seemed to share some kind of "laugh" together.

Good for them.

Soon after that, I was passing my old house, and it was an unpleasant feeling. There was a boy playing in the yard, and I couldn't help but remember my little sister doing the same thing. That house is probably the one I have been most emotionally attached to. A lot of things happened there. Alot of crying, a lot of laughing, a lot of getting through the hardest part of my life.

I have so many memories there... with my family, with the BF, with myself. There were firsts, lasts, and more than one revelation. Seeing someone else's minivan in the drive way makes me want to burst in through the front door and say

"Do you even know what has happened here?"

Obviously, they could not care less. They would look at me like a wild woman, and they would be right if I were to do that.

More pain, and more love was experienced in that house than any other in my life. I changed, I grew, I grew to love my family more deeply. I found the love of my life, and many, many fond memories we have are in that house.

It almost feels like something I own is stuck in that house, and I don't want them to have it. I want to take it with me, but it's embedded in the walls, in the floors, the ceilings, the trees outside...beside the furnace.

I know that I have the memories, and they are terrible and wonderful, and I will keep them always. Somehow though, I wish I could steal the house away, and keep it for myself, whenever I wanted it.

Made me laugh...

"Keep the kiddies away from the cage of:

the man who steals cheap used books for no reason!"

-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

A solution...

So, whilst sitting in the downstairs lounge, waiting for my chicken to cook, listening to AC/DC live and reading my more recent copy of Psychology Today, I came up with a conclusion to the B problem.

He has clearly demonstrated that

a) he doesn't give a damn about me
b) he is irresponsible
c) he is completely untrustworthy

So, instead of being hostile, and not speaking to him, I will treat him like he is all of the above things...because he is.

He wants a favour? Absolutely not
He wants to borrow ANYTHING? no chance in hell
He wants to complain about stupid things? NOT LISTENING!

From now on, he's getting the same amount of extra consideration he gives me...none.

-------------------------------

on a second note, here's an interesting question I read in my magazine...

"Do we invent our authentic self, or do we discover it?"

there was also an interesting quote, that said we all define ourselves as either introverted or extroverted, but we are all both, depending on context.


think about it...

"The too-nice guy"

I find this concept idiotic.

I was watching TV (yes, again) and on some dating show the matchmaker was constantly telling the guy that he was too nice.

What does "too nice" even mean? Don't (or at least shouldn't) we all strive to be nice, caring, warm, and loving people? Is it possible to be too nice?

Firstly, let me clearly state that in my opinion, there is a vast difference between "nice" and "door mat". Rushing to your girlfriend's house to bring her some soup because she is sick is nice. Rushing to her house to bring her the dry cleaning she told you to pick up before 5 pm so she could wear her fancy new dress out to the party (that you are not invited to) at her ex boyfriend's house, is being a door mat. Scenario number two is not an example of the boyfriend being too nice, it is an example of him being naive, and a little pathetic.

So, making this distinction, how can one define "Too nice"? Let's explore some options...

-Too willing to help a friend in a time of need?
-Too willing to invite the new girl in the office to join her group for lunch?
-Too willing to adopt a rescued puppy?
-Too willing to help an old lady carry her groceries to the car?

Maybe I'm blinded by the fact that I am so fond of nice people, but the whole concept seems preposterous. Perhaps we should explore some options of what people may interpret as too nice, but is actually something else entirely...

-Smiling way too much...creepy
-Laughing way too often...nervous
-Gives way too many gifts...insecure
-Offers to help you remodel your entire home for free...has too much time

Nope, really can't think of anything that is "too nice"
If you can, feel free to comment...

But why, oh why, do women "apparently" wish for a guy who is less nice? This concept baffles me. Oh, yes, there is the ever elusive "bad boy" who drives a motorcycle, smokes, drinks, treats you like a bag of garbage but his looks make you swoon. When I think of the amount of women in the world who actually look for this guy, it shocks me.

Why doesn't everyone want the nice guy? The guy who brings you flowers when your sad, or lets you cry on the phone for half an hour, just because you lost your ipod, and your brother is a jerk. The guy who makes you smile when he smiles, and cries with you because she shares your pain. This is the guy that I have, but for the record, he also drives a motorcycle, and is totally gor-ge-ous....

so ha.

Oh, ipod....

After searching my apartment top to bottom, twice.
After emptying my purse, completely, at least five times.

read that last line again.
and again.
and take one bloody guess where i found it...

IN MY DAMN PURSE!!!!

part of me thinks that B is screwing with my head, getting some kind of sick enjoyment out of watching me drive myself nuts.

or, perhaps, my ipod is trying to make me appreciate it more. absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

either way, the ipod is back, and i can now go for walks with joy, instead of lonliness.

on a second note, i effin love my BF!!!!
he has this crazy and wonderful way of always making me feel better. one minute i'm crying, and the next, i'm laughing my ass off at something silly he just said or did. and, he always, ALWAYS reminds me that he's with me till the end, by my side, to hold my hand when i'm scared, wipe my tears when i cry, and share my laughter when i'm happy. if everyone in the world could have the love that i have, i'm pretty sure the world would be a much better place

:)

g'night!

the trouble with struggling

still have not found beloved ipod. my heart aches.

bought the necklace. tis lovely.

still not talking with B. I am beginning to wonder how long it is going to be. I am NOT going to be the first one to talk. He decided to be a dink and ruin things, so now isn't it up to him to try to make ammends? He hasn't even really apologized for robbing me. Isn't robbing something one is meant to apologize for?

For the past year, through all his struggles, I have been the one defending him, listening, caring, convincing mother to let him come back home. He was my best friend, and things just kept falling apart more and more. And then, he decided to make one last show to say "Hey, guess what, I know you've always been there for me, but I don't actually give a shit about you after all."

How am I supposed to take that?

pffffff

This is day two of not talking to B, and day two of not having

IPOD!!!!!

tis making me miserable. My suspicions of B selling it are ever increasing. Damn. At least today I get to see BF. And get outta this place for a few hours.

Do you ever find yourself completely taken by something... an object that has no meaning to you, but just captures your attention to the point where you feel like you need it? I felt that way when i bought my neon pink pashmina scarf. The colour and texture of it were so perfect that something in me told me it was to be mine, and that was that.

Now, at the mall, there is a craft sale, and in said sale, there is a necklace. it is a huge glass heart and i don't even know what i would wear it with, but every time i go to the mall i stop to look at it. only prob is that i am cheap, and i don't wanna spend the money on something that i can't think of what i would wear it with.

blah.

damn being poor. damn it!

Everytime I go to McDonald's...

I end up asking myself,

why?

cheap, yes....but also horrible.

A garbage day....

I feel like I'm posting on here too much, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm new to the whole blog thing, and I am rather unaware of typical protocol.

Today was a horrible day.

-B robbed me of twenty bucks/caused me to lose all trust I had remaining in him
-lost my ipod/possibly B pawned it?
-rented movies that blow
-got take out Swiss Chalet that was much below par
-got whistled at by some homely 12 year old boy
-was made to eat dill pickle popcorn
-Spent Canada day almost exclusively alone
-did not get to see the BF
-did I mention that I LOST MY FREAKIN IPOD?????

boo.

I am lost without.

plus, I miss the fam, like berserk.

on the good side, the BF left his CD's here and now I am enjoying them, whilst I whine to possibly no one!

how long till summer's over again??

(P.S. if you read my post below about comfort in nature, just know...that it doesn't work when the ipod is lost.)

The Bachelor

Since currently my life consists mostly of sleeping and watching TV, I have taken in my share (or perhaps more than my fair share of) TV re-runs.

Also since the TV seems to lack a remote control, I usually don't bother with changing the channel. When I am in such a situation, I try to pick a channel that usually has shows that I like. Being that my TV heart pretty much lives for "Sex and the City", I decided upon the Cosmo channel.

Along with the fabulous re-runs of "Sex", and other things such as "Friends", "Charmed", and various others, this channel also runs "The Bachelor".

Now, we have all heard of this program. One rich, supposedly attractive man watches as a slowly decreasing number of ditzy women fight over his heart (money). This would all be fine and dandy if the lucky guy wasn't apparently looking for a wife.

A wife! A life-long love to share his hopes and dreams with, have children with, so on, so forth. "Where is the problem?" many would say! Well, let us see...

15 women who have been pre-selected based on their attractiveness agree to go on a television show where they will spend a set amount of time living together, all the while fighting each other incessantly hoping to win the heart of a man they all literally just met.

Sure, for the women, it's really no loss, no matter what happens. They have a shot at a rich guy, and even if not, they still get to basically spend vacation in some fabulous house, drink wine, play in a hot tub, etc. If this is your thing, (superficial relationships and drunken partying with women you just met) then why the hell not, right?

But what about this (poor?) sucker of a guy? Is he completely ignorant of the fact that all these women came here to meet some rich guy? None of them knew who he was ahead of time. They all claim that they came on the show to hopefully meet their future husband, but how did they figure that one?

"Hey, there's this TV show with a rich guy on it, he's probably the one for me, I bet!"

Unless he is completely stupid, he knows very well that they are all gold diggers, whether or not they all claim to have a "deep connection" with him. So what is he really looking for? If he truly is looking for a wife, like he claims, then I pity him deeply. He's young, not horrible looking, and seems like an OK guy, so why does he need to have a big (elaborate?) TV show to help him get women to date him? Also, not only is he so desperate to find his soul mate that he resorts to a cheesy TV show, but he is willing to overlook the fact that everything, from the women's feelings to their breasts, is falsified.

On the other hand, maybe he really isn't looking for "the one". Maybe, like most guys, he gets great enjoyment out of watching a bunch of pretty women struggle desperately for his attention. Maybe, like a lot of guys, he likes the fact that he can make out with a different woman everyday, and none of them will get mad and key his car, Carrie Underwood style.

Maybe, after all, he is looking for a wife, but not the kind you lay in bed with all day, just to talk and eat pizza, but the kind he can hang on his arm at company benefits, who can shut her mouth and look hot on demand.

People argue against gays and lesbians getting married because they long to protect the sanctity of marriage, but don't they realize that it's the straight people ruining it? I'm not gay, but I do believe that marriage should be for love, whether it's between opposite sexes, or the same. Brittney Spears can get married for 48 hours and no church going folk protest outside her house. Aren't things like that, and things like

"The Bachelor"

the ones really destroying the sanctity of marriage, after all?

Nature

Within the past year, I have found a significant amount of comfort in nature. I find it in trees, rivers, cloud formations, flowers, anything.

Something about it relieves me of the pressure of everyday life. I look at a beautiful flower and think "It doesn't matter if _____ doesn't work out like I plan, the world will go on." Something about feeling slightly insignificant makes me feel more relaxed.

I can sit back and realize that sometimes, people fail at things. People fail tests, forget to take out the garbage, lose their keys, get in stupid fights with friends or family, but the sun still comes up. The trees still grow. The river still flows. The rain still falls.

People today tend to be so egocentric that they feel like every success they have revolutionizes the world around them, and every failure causes it to crash down catastrophically. Some people are happy to think that the world completely revolves around them, but that's not me.

I'm happy to know that no matter what happens today, there is tomorrow, and it is new. The whole world is not crying because I didn't study enough for my midterm. Realizing that my problems are only a big deal because of how I am looking at them shows me that the test I failed is not the end of my education, it's a lesson to study harder next time.

Perhaps you might think on this concept?

Since the boredom continues...

Here is another post.

The place where I live is a disaster, and one would think that with so much needing to be done, I would be able to find something to do. Unfortunately, I have never found boredom to be cured by doing such arbitrary things as "chores". In fact, I might fathom that doing chores would make me more bored than I currently am sitting around doing nothing.

I look forward tonight to having something interesting for dinner, because I am more than a little tired of the Chinese food that has been lingering in the frigde for days now.

My head aches for what I believe is the third day in a row, and I'm 99% sure that my brother stole one of my favourite CD's. Pffffff.

I need a life.

Well... I have a life, it just isn't especially interesting at the moment. Sometimes my life is spectacular. Sometimes it is depressing. Sometimes it is both. This week it is both.

So?

So I decided to make a blog.
I was bored, so here it is.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with it yet, but I suppose that we shall see.

[H]