do you ever...

think back to events in your past, and wonder if they ever really happened?

wonder if it is even possible that your life used to be so drastically different from how it is now?

there's no way i would...

say that,
do that,
think that,
go there,
accept that,
feel that way

today.

there's no way i ever took a step, one step, allowing myself to feel insignificant because my own father didn't care.

there's no way i smiled and bit my tongue when what i really meant was "i hate you for not caring"

there's no way that person i would believe the lies that slithered out of their mouths.

what can we do? we are ever changing and ever evolving to learn to deal with what we are dealt, and if we manage things right, we change for the better.

what happens to our pasts when we learn, and grow? even things that seemed good at the time become cringe-inducing, because our present selves would never act in the way our past selves saw fit. we would NEVER wear that sweater, talk to THAT guy, or spend out money on THAT.

sometimes we can look back and laugh. sometimes we look back and cry. sometimes it's easier to not look back at all.

people say you only have one life to live, but that seems unlikely. i look at my life, and even at my young age, i'd say i've already had about 4.

6 year old me was happy and care free. mommy loved daddy, and daddy loved mommy, and everyone was happy and there were no problems other that when i couldn't find the barbie i was looking for.

14 year old me was dark and lonely. i pushed everyone away, because i wanted to push myself away. mommy hated daddy, and daddy hated everything. everything was a problem, and i felt monotonous.

16 year old me was inexplicably complicated. i held the wrong people close, and paid for it later. i hated daddy, and daddy was dead. i tricked myself into believing that i was totally fine, and convinced myself that i didn't need anyone. i pretended to be who i wanted to be, and soon found out i didn't know who i actually was.

19 year old me smiles and cries. i just am, how i am, and that is the long and short of it. i don't act. i don't try. i just do. i love mommy. i deal with memories of daddy. i'm still figuring it all out, but things are falling into place. i am strong and i am proud of what i have struggled to become.

just a thought.