sometimes...

some days i miss the simplicity that is childhood

or perhaps the simplicity that used to be childhood.

back when the meaning of a sunny day was playing at the park, and eating ice cream cones and riding your bike in circles because it was fun.

when you didn't wonder where your food came from, or how much it cost to turn the lights on.

when the future seemed a million miles away, and wondering what you would be when you grew up was like a dream instead of a daily deliberation.

before understanding the complexity of concepts like trust, honesty, or love.

before learning that fairy tales are only for books and movies

when death seemed like a scary myth, meant to prevent you from running across the road without your mommy holding your hand

before realism takes over your heart, and you know that dreams don't always come true.

before you know you will have to cry, sweat and bleed for everything you want.

before you know that life is a ride that can take you places where you don't want to go.

isn't 20 a little young to be jaded?

you, madam, are an ignoramous.

my darling sister wrote a news aricle about criticism. she wrote about how common it is today for people to judge things before they know anything about them. her specific example was a blog my brother wrote about how stupid the "twilight" books are. needless to say in this example, he has never read the books, and yet still felt credible enough to write an entire article about how horrible they are.

we all do this everyday...hear one bad song by a band and conclude that they "suck". see one bad essay someone wrote and decide that they are stupid. see some one slip and fall, and label them as clumsy. how much do we really know about things we judge?

the point i am trying to get to, is why are people with the least amount of information usually the first people to judge? we feel we can take some sort of snap shot of a situation and draw grand conclusions from it. sometimes, unfortunately, our daily extrapolating can have unfortunate consequences.

the worst part of this little phenomenon is the tendency for those lacking in information to try to contradict the statements of those in-the-know. someone who is informed, and able to make a sound decision based on experience and fact. the lacking individual will quite often try to tell the knowing individual that they are wrong to think, feel, and act how they do, despite the fact the lacking individual has no idea what the shit they are talking about

real life up close and personal example:

myself and my dear old dad

for those of you who don't know, my dad is dead. has been for some time....3.5 years to be roughly exact. he was an alcoholic, an unfit parent, and just a generally unpleasant and unkind person. he committed suicide, and proceeded to ruin the lives of 5 individuals (namely my family). now, he probably also ruined the lives of other's in his family, but being that they could not have cared less whether we were breathing or not, i will not proceed to give a shit in this writing.

of course, i went through the phase of "oh my god he was my dad and he is totally dead". let me tell you, it sucked! but eventually, i came to realize that yes, he was my father, but he was a damn crappy one!! just because he is dead doesn't mean i have to put him on some sort of pedestal and act like he was a hero just because now he lives in a jar! sure, i can remember some good times, some laughing and whatnot, but it's always over crowded by the fear, anger, depression, self-loathing, and hopelessness that he was so incredible at invoking in me.

some people look at this and say "well then, you are not over it. you are not truly over it until you can let go of all bad things"

well, first of all, i will never be over it. i am confident in saying if it had ever happened to you, you would never get over it either. second of all, leaving the incorrectness of the chosen terminology out of it, who is to say that i am not "over" it? i don't believe (and won't believe) that acceptance and moving on means forgetting what was real and pretending that everything was different from what it was. that, quite frankly, is the opposite of acceptance, and i am also just not that into lying to myself.

so, when i tell you my dad was not a good person, don't try to tell me that he was. you didn't know him, and even if you think you did, you didn't know him like i did, or like my family did. when i tell you i am a better person since he died, don't look at me like i am the devil. i am simply telling you a truth. i have learned from the situation, and lived my life accordingly. i have grown and learned how to smile without screaming inside.

things i say (especially when its me and my brother together) make people uncomfortable, because they can never imagine feeling how i feel. you can't imagine yourself laughing about your dead father, so that makes us horrible people.

no, it doesn't. he ruined us, for a long time. he was my father, and i can say, feel, and act however i want about it. i am accepting truth, i am moving on because nothing can be changed now. it is what it was, and that is all.

when something traumatic happens in a life, everyone has a different way to deal, and there are few ways that can be considered "wrong". if pushing the bad aside to only remember the good is what makes you happy, and helps you along the way, then that is all that matters. you should never let someone tell you how to feel (unless you are being self destructive, or harmful to others). i'm just getting tired of people telling me how they think i should feel.

so think about it, the next time you are quick to judge someone. this is not to say that i will never judge someone prematurely again...i know i will. i'm not proud of it, sometimes it happens before we think about it.

just watch what actually comes out of your mouth.

supercalafragelisticexbialadocious

laying here

i might be dying

the ripping, tearing, burning through my mind
i'm screaming, i'm dying
i'm silent.

and then,

a thought

this is real
i am strong

i am resilient and perseverant

the pain is scorching
no physical marks, but emotional lascerations

but still, my mind locks on the thought

i have weathered it all

never dulled it down, or shut it out

i open my arms, and welcome it,

because i know it comes, and then it goes
it goes and i am stronger

every scar on my heart makes it harder to pierce

it is part of my life, i can feel it coming

i do not drink myself to sleep
i do not alter my reality with drugs
i do not pretend everything is fine

it is real, and it happens, and i accept it

i am stronger.

i don't have to beat you down to know i am indestructible

because every morning, i wake with a smile

and i have won.

Here's to you, you bus driving bastards.

SO.

in the certain city where i reside, the bus union has decided that it is time for them to strike.

maybe i am biased, but to me this is clearly a very strategic time, and the strategy is aimed right at the hearts of the students.

obviously, students are the main users of the bussing system. we are dirt poor, and unless we live with our parents, we can't usually afford a car, the insurance required to legally drive said car, nor could we (up until recently) afford gas. the obvious choice for the average, non-wealthy, non-parent's house living student is the bus. it goes everywhere, at many times of day, and is about as cheap as it gets.

sure, it smells, people wipe their snot on the seats, and it rarely shows up when the signs say it will, but it becomes a very necessary part of the poor student's life. it is how we are able to spend time with friends, go grocery shopping, get to our menial part time jobs that provide us with enough money to survive, oh and also

WE LIKE TO USE IT TO GET TO OUR BLOODY EXAMS.

yes, ladies and gentlemen, this certain city's transpo has decided to strike right smack in the middle of exam season.

here is what i assume they think (hope) will happen.

bus's go on strike, and students are devastated because now they can't get to their exams. they realize that the city's suggestion of "carpooling" is ludicrous due to the fact that most of us DON'T OWN CARS. they figure we will all be so lost and disoriented that we will all phone the city and say "for the love of all that is holy, just give them what they want so we can ride our beloved bus!!" then they assume that the city will give in, and they will get their ridiculous 10.5% pay raise. then, of course, they are the ones in power, because any time in the future that they want absolutely anything, they can just have a strike right in exam times (preferably in the winter, so that students wouldn't dare try to walk for fear of becoming a human popsicle) and they will get whatever the hell their vacant hearts desire.

and, perhaps there will be students who do just that.

but what these transpo jerks don't realize is that we university students are pretty damn crafty. we're in university for a reason yo! we can find other ways. for some it's harder than others, that's true, and certainly, there will be students who have a really hard time dealing with this strike, and my heart honestly goes out to them, because if it wasn't for my aunt with a spare car, i would be one of them.

despite all that, here is what i really hope happens:

the transpo strike goes the way of the hockey strike.
they go on strike,
a few people are really upset,

but most people don't give a shit.

then, when they realize that the world goes on without them, they can come back to the city with their tails between their legs and sheepishly accept a much lower offer than they were offered yesterday, before they were on strike.

the whole concept of the "strike" has always baffled me, and also pissed me off. let us ponder strikes we have dealt with in the past....

it seems to me that these strikes usually do very little to hurt the people they are pissed off at. the bus drivers are pissed at the city government, so they go on strike. do you think any people working for the city government take the damn bus?? i think not. so they hurt the students, the low income families, the people trying to do their part for the environment. its like the very low scale equivalent to getting in a fight with someone, and holding a gun to someone else's head and saying "i will shoot them if you don't do what i say"

we didn't do anything.

if anything, we should strike against them! they are the ones who are always, ALWAYS late. the ones who drive past us when its 20 below and the bus is half empty. the ones who stop at friggin tim hortons for a coffee when you are just trying to get to work on time!!!

what would they do if we did this to them? a strike that actually affected the guilty party?

i'm a realistic girl, and i'll tell you right now as soon as those bus bastards get their prissy asses back in their bus driver seats, i'll be giving my aunt's car back, and getting back on the stupid bus. why? because i have no choice. i believe i mentionned above that i am dirt poor. what i know, is that we really have to hear the message here, and blame the right people.

they are putting a sour taste in the mouth of everyone who relies on public transit here, and i believe that is the opposite of what we want. we should be encouraging it, not making bus goers desire to scream obscenities at their driver when they get off the bus, instead of "thank you"

what it comes down to is, have your money war, if you think bus driving is that high tech of a job, but leave us little guys out of it...we are not your hostages.

ummmm....merry november?

is anyone else perturbed by the fact that malls are already playing christmas music?

i saw a man in a santa suit today

the grocery store already has their xmas candy hanging around.

IT IS NOVEMBER YOU TOOLS!!

when i was younger, and my dad would scoff people who had their xmas lights on early, i always made fun of him for hating on people for having christmas spirit.

but isn't november the 8th a little early, even for me?

maybe its just because i am forcing myself to not feel xmas-y this year.

maybe i am a scrooge!

damn.

anyways, i am bored outta my friggin skull.

i would kill for some rainbow sorbet.







arg.

Hello world

I haven't blogged in forever.

not that i haven't had anything to aimlessly rant about, i have just lacked computer access.

my apartment is messy, and i have to start making tacos in five minutes.

i just watched a movie about andy warhol and edie sedgwick. it was odd, but kinda good i think.

a job has NOT called me.

sadness.

plus, i am sick. i am always sick, because i am always stressed up to my eyeballs, and my immune system has no time to catch up.

damn sir, this blog sucks.

ttyl

oh boyfriend

please get your butt over here and make me feel better.

:(